pretty little recap: where the wilden things are

Can Spencer fly any further off the handle? Is Creeper Toby ever going to have some 'splainin to do? Is Ezra going to lay the smack down on Brezra's lame attempt to snag his ladyfriend? Let's dive in!
3.20 Hot Water
Previously on PLL: Mama Ezra means business. Relationship drama all around! Spencer manages to make Crazy Mona look sane. Emily and elevators don't mix, and Jason? Well, our dear J-Pouf is missing!

Tension is all about the hand-on-cup/hand-on-face. Photo credit: ABC Family
Liars assemble! ...and be sad and mopey. Wilden is such a creepy dude. I have a feeling he isn't part of the A team though. I think he's just regular type creepy. Which in a way, is worse. At least A teamers have an excuse for their behaviour ("Team building exercise!") but being a weirdo for weirdo's sake is just... *shudder*.

He's definitely gunning for Hannah. And doing it in front of Ashley? Not smart, Wilden. Ashley is deffo the kind of mom who handles her own, you know? Don't mess, Wilden. Don't mess.

Melissa is probably the worst sister in the world. Not because she's gonna narc on Spence, but because she doesn't even bother to ask Spence if she's OK. But we already knew Melissa is psycho...

So J-Pouf is just laying low? That's not very exciting. OR maybe it's suspicious? No, it's lame. Moving on!

Aria + Ezra reunion = more of the same. That scarf Aria is wearing is very fringey. Not that I'd expect anything less. This conversation isn't very dramatic. I guess everything's just okay now. So...great? Oh wait... the whole Brezra thing. How could I forget so easily? Maybe there are some fireworks to be set off... But really, if I were Aria, (there are so many ways to finish that sentence and most of them start with, "I wouldn't wear..."), if I were Aria, I'd just be all "BT-dubbs, Fitzy--your bro totally tried to get all up in this while you were playing baby-daddy with your ex. But I told him it wasn't happening. So get mad at him, not me." How hard is that?

Spencer is being mopey again. Poor, sad Spencer. Is it possible that Aria's mom is going to be the first person to really realize how far Spencer is gone? She probably wishes Spencer was her daughter instead of Aria. I would.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT TIME! Keep trying, Bing. Google will continue to own you forever and ever.

Run Spencer, run away from Aria! Awww Team Sparia. I forgot about that. Okay, I'll allow it. But I still think it's funny that Spencer will semi-confine in some people (Emily, Aria's mom), but Aria sends her running.

Weird tension at the costume shop. More hot lesbians. I swear Rosewood is hot lesbian central. I somehow have a feeling the software Emily is snooping through isn't based on real costume store software (which probably doesn't exist). The interface is a little too perfect for exactly what Emily is looking for. Everybody knows small shops run their inventory on DOS and it crashes any time you try to do anything with it. Or am I just remembering what things were like in the 90s? No, I think you effed this one up, PLL. But it's a clue so I'll allow it.

The tail-end of a phone conversation with Hot Caleb is NOT an acceptable substitute for a real Hot Caleb scene. But mention of Hanna's lesbian allure, followed by Aria storming awkwardly into the room comes close. It's become abundantly clear that Aria has very different priorities than everyone else on this show. Who cares about Ezra's mom? Everyone you know has almost been MURDERED recently!

Wilden and Ashley. Ashley with the death glare. Don't say I didn't warn you, Wilden. You mess with the mama bear and you get the CLAWS!

So Wren was actually hitting on Spencer? That's... awkward. Nothing like using someone's mental health as a pick up line. Weird, Wren. Really weird. But I suppose you'd still be a step up from Spencer's last boyfriend. Have you seen Creeper Toby's do-rag?

Ugh. More Aria relationship drama. Scale it back, Aria. Perspective. At least Hanna and Emily are giving her the "Don't care. Don't care. Don't care." look.

Wren's going for it! Spencer probably isn't in a healthy enough place to get involved with anyone, but where's the fun in that?

Ezra isn't going to apologize for loving Aria, you guys. He just isn't. Even if he realizes what a phenomenal disaster she is and breaks up with her, he's NOT going to apologize. Cause that's how he rolls. He's an adult, yo. An adult dating a young girl. And he won't let his mom boss him around!

Emily and Paige are laying it all out on the table. Looks like Paige has been keeping secrets. This could be a sweet make-up scene, but it just makes me miss Maya. Or wish Emily would hit up that hot lesbian bar and find herself someone who isn't Paige, and didn't try to drown her. So, pretty much anybody there.

General tip: Never listen to headphones by yourself in the dark (you know, unless you're lying down going to sleep). You WILL be startled by something. It's just a bad idea!

Melissa still isn't being a good sister. Even her advice comes off as a threat.

I'm just going to ignore this Ezria scene. Or... I was going to... and then I saw the back of Aria's dress and her ridiculous shiny red pants. I feel ill. She looks like she was mauled by a tiger while trying on a child's Spiderman costume. Who can ignore that??

"Routine traffic stop" for Ashley. What are the odds? Oh Wilden, why you gotta be so squicky?

Uh oh! Spencer is going to over-steam herself like Hannah Horvath did on GIRLS last week! Don't do it Spencer! You don't have a hot guy around to come to your rescue! You just have a scary shadowy figure! Not the same thing!!

Wilden has crossed the line from creepy to scary. But Ashley's not havin any of that! I totally warned you, Wilden! If you're still alive, don't you dare pretend I didn't warn you to not mess with the CLAWS! Mama Ashley will do anything for her Hanna. Only thing more dangerous is a Mama Ashley + Handma team!

CeCe seems pretty genuine and freaked here. I tend to believe her, but it's also possible she's a good actress. So Melissa was with Ali, CeCe and Wilden at the cape, eh?

This is officially worse than Hannah Horvath's steam encounter on GIRLS. No passing out for Spencer, just a whole lot of burning panic. At least Aria's randomness came in handy for once!

Ashley thinks she killed Wilden. Of course, she didn't stick around to find out. Cause when you think you might have accidentally killed someone, you shouldn't stick around to try and save them. You should go back later with your daughter and let her help you clean up the mess. Ashley's tough, but she's not that bright. Also, when you try and kill someone who might come after you and your family, you'd better make sure they're actually dead. Also, don't do it in front of a cop car with a camera recording your every move. Things aren't looking good for Mama Ash.

Spencer is finally ready to spill about Creeper Toby!

I'm guessing that rather lovely funeral wreath the random A teamer is assembling isn't for some side business the team has been working on--Floral A-rrangements or some such nonsense. Looks like more death is on the horizon! It is kind of a nice gesture to provide the wreath. Those things are expensive. The A team may be cruel, but never let it be said that they're not generous!